IPL on YouTube? Ermm..Nope!

YouTube made big news earlier in the year when they said they would be live streaming the 2010 IPL tournament on their website.

Today saw the start of the IPL tournament. Massive anticipation around the globe. Cricket fans flocked excitedly to their nearest web browser (or stole someones Wi-Fi connection) to be greeted with this:

YouTube IPL Cricket - Fail

YouTube + IPL = FAIL

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Colly Wobbler?

Paul CollingwoodI will level with you straight away – I have never been a huge fan of Paul Collingwood. I’m not quite sure what it is, but I have never taken to him as an England player as much as some of the others. Whether it is his obvious arrogance, his ginger hair or his boring interviews – I’m not sure.

To be honest though, the main issue is that I don’t rate him very highly as a batsman. Don’t get me wrong, his record is respectable and he has stood up for England on the odd occasion. Look at his performance in Cardiff to save England the test match for example.

This was his only significant knock of the Ashes series though and I can’t help thinking that he might be coming towards the end of his spell in the England test team. As a batsman, I don’t quite know what role he is supposed to play.

He looks to be positive, but his footwork has been nonexistent of late and you can tell that his confidence is suffering. Then, if he attempts to go into his shell, he hasn’t got the defensive game to play a more matured innings. The knock in Cardiff aside, of course.

With Kevin Pietersen hopefully returning this winter and with Jonathan Trott performing so well on debut, you have to start wondering whether
Collingwood’s days are numbered. Other than Ashes victory talk, this has been one of the main points of discussion for the cricket pundits in the last few days.

Nasser Hussain described Collingwood as ‘one of the good guys’ of this England team, who it would be easy to stick with this winter. He is an
excellent fielder after all, a model professional and someone who can chip in with the odd wicket or two. Has he got what it takes to improve as a batsman though?

I can’t help thinking that Collingwood isn’t going to get any better than he is or has been in the past. Can he step his game up an extra level as England look to step up theirs? I don’t think so. Ian Bell, Jonathan Trott, Joe Denly and even the out-of-form Ravi Bopara will see their best days ahead of them. Collingwood, I’m not so sure.

It’s for this reason that I would question how long he can remain in the side for. He could very easily prove me wrong and score a shedfull this winter – he often performs at his best when his backs against the wall – but I just can’t see it.

Alistair Cook, Andrew Strauss, Ian Bell, Kevin Pietersen, Jonathan Trott and Matt Prior might be the way to go for England’s batting line-up with Bopara and Denly waiting in the wings.

It’s certainly an interesting situation for the England selectors to be in and it will be interesting to see which way they play it.

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EXCLUSIVE: Agnew and Boycott – The Lunch That Took Twitter Down

Earlier on today Jonathan Agnew posted the following message on Twitter:

Jonathan Agnew Tweet: Now to lunch with Geoffrey Boycott. What have I done to deserve this?

This single tweet caused so much activity that it forced the popular social networking site to go offline for most of Thursday afternoon. Twitter claimed the outage was due to a denial of service attack but we’ve been told by unnamed sources within Twitter that  it was actually the overwhelming number of people sending Aggers sympathetic messages that caused the Twitter servers to collapse under the sheer volume of tweets.

Clearly the Agnew/Boycott lunch was something that people wanted to discuss so we sent our undercover agent to the unnamed restaurant (for legal reasons) and he managed to plant a microphone under the table just seconds before the duo arrived.

Here is the exclusive transcript from their lunch date*


(shuffling of chairs)

WAITER: Good afternoon, gentlemen. Can I get you a drink?

AGNEW: Hello XXXXXX (removed for legal reasons). I’ll have a sparkling water

BOYCOTT: Water? What’s wrong with you, man? Water is for washing. I’ll have pint of Tetley’s. Proper Yorkshire beer, is that. None of your Southern fizzy lager nonsense

AGNEW: Well actually, Geoffrey, I’m from Macclesfield

BOYCOTT: See? I told you. Soft Southern fairy

WAITER: So a bottle of spring water…

BOYCOTT: Poof

WAITER: …and a glass of Tetley’s for sir

BOYCOTT: And it had better come in a jug. With handles. Proper pint pot.

WAITER: I’ll see what I can do, sir. And what would you like for your meal?

AGNEW: What would you recommend, XXXXX?

WAITER: Well, sir, the foie gras is a popular choice with our customers and the gulls’ eggs with celery salt is simply divine

(sound of chair legs scraping on floor followed by unknown object crashing onto floor)

BOYCOTT: Phwoar what? We’ll have two steaks. Proper mans food. We’ll have meat and none of this phwoar grass business

WAITER: But fois gras is liver of goose…

BOYCOTT: Two steaks! Have you got that?

WAITER: Two steaks and how would you…

BOYCOTT: Well done. Now get our drinks. And make sure it’s a proper pint pot

AGNEW: That was a bit embarrassing, Geoffrey

BOYCOTT: Rubbish! You wouldn’t know embarrassing if it hit you on the head with a wet kipper. I’ll tell you what embarrassing is. I remember playing a game for Yorkshire against Middlesex in 1962 when Vic Wilson, who were captain at the time, forgot to pack his box and had to go out to bat with an egg carton stuffed down his Y-fronts. He took a quick single off the bowling of Fred Titmus. Now he was a proper spin bowler. Not like that Harpyjama Singh fella. Like I told that Aussie fella the other day, it were proper spinners back in my day…

WAITER: Your drinks, gentlemen

AGNEW: Thank you, XXXXX

BOYCOTT: What do you call that?

WAITER: Ermm..it’s a pint of Tetley’s, sir, as you ord…

BOYCOTT: Where’s the bloomin’ head on it?

AGNEW: Geoffrey, don’t make a scene

BOYCOTT: But there’s no bloody froth! I want froth on my beer! Take it back, son, and bring me a proper beer with a proper head!

(there is a pause in conversation for several minutes)

WAITER: Your beer, sir

BOYCOTT: That’s more like it. Proper head on it

AGNEW: Good grief, Geoffrey. Is there any beer actually in there?

BOYCOTT: Proper froth. Proper Yorkshire froth. Not like today’s chemical froth. This is froth from good, honest, hard working Yorkshiremen

(a further pause in conversation punctuated by occasional slurping sounds)

AGNEW: I say, Geoffrey. Have you seen those two ladies over there?

BOYCOTT: Where?

AGNEW: To your left

BOYCOTT: They’re alright, I suppose

AGNEW: Alright? If I were a single man…

BOYCOTT: And a good few years younger

AGNEW: Yes. Thank you, Geoffrey

BOYCOTT: Come on, Jonathan. I can’t see why you’re making so much of a fuss. Look at them. All covered up like that. Back in my day we used to play with uncovered bitches. That were the real mark of a man. You had to get your length spot on and you didn’t have someone on a computer telling you if you had a problem with your length. Not like today. I get hundreds of emails every day promising to help me out with my length. You never had that back in my day. You had a problem with your length and you had to get a grip and sort it out yourself

WAITER: Your steaks, gentlemen

AGNEW: Thank you, XXXXX

(a grunt is heard from an unknown source)

WAITER: Bon appetit

BOYCOTT: Bloody foreigners

(Pause in conversation. Sounds of cutlery on china plates)

AGNEW: Ermm. How’s your steak, Geoffrey?

BOYCOTT: S’alright

AGNEW: Only mine is a bit…ermm…tough

BOYCOTT: Tough? Tough? Call that steak tough? Steaks were much tougher back in my day. That’s not a tough steak, man. Hedley Verity would have made mincemeat out of that steak. My grandma would have eaten that steak without complaining and she had no teeth. Honestly, you youngsters don’t know how easy you’ve got it these days

AGNEW: Geoffrey, all I’m saying is that my steak…

BOYCOTT: Look in Wisden

AGNEW: I’m sorry?

BOYCOTT: That’s OK. Apology accepted but look in Wisden

AGNEW: What’s that got to do with anything?

BOYCOTT: Our listeners, who know about steak, will already know the answer to this. They’re knowledgeable people. They won’t need to look it up but if you don’t believe me, get out your copy of Wisden. The facts speak for themselves

AGNEW: All I’m saying, Geoffrey…

BOYCOTT: Wisden

AGNEW: …is…

BOYCOTT: Wisden

AGNEW: …my steak…

BOYCOTT: Wisden

(A loud sigh is heard from an unknown source followed by ten minutes of silence. Sound of cutlery on plate. Piped music can also be heard)

WAITER: And how was your food, gentlemen?

AGNEW: Well, XXXXX, my steak was…

BOYCOTT: It were alright. For modern food. Not as good as the steak I had on my first tour of South Africa back in 1964. They had uncovered beaches back then. Proper beaches. Not like today

WAITER: Ermm, yes. Would you like coffee?

AGNEW: A cappucino, please, XXXX

WAITER: And for you, sir?

BOYCOTT: None of that foreign muck. I want Tetley tea. Proper tea. From Yorkshire

WAITER: I believe they’re owned by an Indian company now, sir

BOYCOTT: Aye well that’s as maybe but I’m sure they’re still using Yorkshire tea leaves

WAITER: Very well, sir

(A further pause in conversation. There is a change to the piped music in the background)

AGNEW: Oh, this is one of my favourites

BOYCOTT: What is it? I can’t tell with all this modern music. All sounds the same to me

AGNEW: Oh come on. This is an old classic, Geoffrey. A traditional folk song. You must have heard this before

BOYCOTT: Sounds familiar but I can’t place it

WAITER: Your tea, sir

BOYCOTT: What’s this rubbish you’re playing on the gramophone?

WAITER: The song is called “Michael Row The Boat Ashore”, sir

BOYCOTT: And who’s it by?

WAITER: I believe this particular recording is by The Spinners

(there is a sound of crashing cutlery and china)

BOYCOTT: Spinners? They’re not bloody spinners! I’ll tell thee who were proper spinners. Bill O’Reilly. Clarrie Grimmett. Wilfred Rhodes. Johnny Wardle. I’ve done my homework. I know. This lot? They’re not bloomin’ spinners. My mum could play them with a stick of rhubarb

AGNEW: I think it’s time to go, Geoffrey. I’m sorry, XXXXX. Put this one on my account and I’ll settle up tomorrow

(sound of chairs scraping)

WAITER: Any chance of a tip?

BOYCOTT: Yes. Get in line and use soft hands. See thee later


Just in case you missed it, you can hear the Geoffrey Boycott v Matthew Hayden argument on TMS by clicking this link. Fast forward to about an hour in to get the full build up and then listen in to around 1’17″ to hear Our Geoffrey unplug his microphone in disgust.

* May contain traces of lie

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Cricket Tweeting Twattery

I missed most of today’s play because I was enduring yet another defeat for my village cricket team but, from what I’ve seen, it’s all set up nicely for the last day of the third Ashes Test. The convicts are effectively -25 for two with the weather looking like we’re going to get in probably 80 or so overs tomorrow.

As @Jason_Gillespie says on Twitter: Only one side can hope to win now, and that is England” and, despite the fact he’s Australian, he’s absolutely right. There are now only two results available – England win or a draw. My pocket says the £20 I put on a draw at evens is the result I want but, of course, my head, heart, arms, legs and dangly toilet parts want an English win so, instead, I will be spending my day tomorrow at The Beehive in Vauxhall live Twittering/Tweeting/Twatting and praying for an England win.

Feel free to come along and join me. I will be the one, courtesy of a fielding injury today, walking like a man who has been fisted by Mike Tyson.

Talking of Twitter, I had planned to write a piece about cricket lovers on Twitter before this game began but, as a result of @PH408 announcing he had been dropped from the team before it was officially announced, the whole cricket blog world has been full of Twitter this, Twitter that.

Anyone who has been following this site for a while will know that I was planning on running an alternative to Twitter called Twatter (see below). Guess that’s dead in the water now that everyone is on Twitter so I figure I may as well just list the people I follow on Twitter who mainly tweet about his glorious game.

Please feel free to let me know in the comment anyone I have missed and I will add them to the list.

  • @MikeBusson – that’s me, that is. I don’t just tweet about cricket. I have a real life. Honest.
  • @philtufnell – Phil Tufnell. Happy days…
  • @2009TheAshes – what is says on the tin
  • @Jason_Gillespie – Dizzy gives a surprisingly unbiased view of the cricket
  • @BumbleCricket – David Lloyd. Genius. On my ultimate dinner party list. I love this man despite his freaky eyebrows
  • @DGoughie - Darren Gough. Heart like a lion full of English blood
  • @AlisonMitchell – Alison Mitchell is female. She loves cricket. I think I love her.
  • @Aggerscricket -Jonathan Agnew. The voice of TMS. (Note I will not include Blowers in my Twitter list. He annoys me so don’t ask)
  • @JimmyAnderson9 – James Anderson. Occasionally brilliant England bowler. Too often not.
  • @Swannyg66 – Graeme Swann. More deliveries like the one he got the window licker out with today and I might have his babies.
  • @GeoffreyBoycott – Not convinced this is the real Boycott. He’s not bitter enough or harping on about how it was better in his day…
  • @MissField – Astrid runs an Aussie cricket blog. She loves the game. I’d buy her a beer if she were in London.
  • @BBCTMS - It’s Test Match Special. On Twitter. ‘Nuff said.
  • @SledgerTW4C – The Wisden Cricket blogging guys on Twitter. Huzzah!
  • @SuaveRepublic – Cricket blogger and toff.
  • @StephenFry – If you’re already on Twitter then the chances ae you’re following him already but he’s a massive cricket fan as his recent speech suggests.

So if you’re on Twitter, follow me and endure enjoy a day of live tweeting the cricket from the pub. It could get messy!

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Australians Have Small Testicles – FACT!

It’s raining in Birmingham. Now there’s a surprise. With no cricket is being played I thought it was a good time to catch up on some reading at my favourite cricket blogs.

You can imagine the whoop of joy I gave when I came across this wee video over at The Village Cricketer. Not only does it featured Frederick Ponsonby Flintoff but it also mocks Australians. Huzzah!

It’s all about an..ahem..abdominal guard that has been designed especially for Australian cricketers. However, it’s no normal gonad guard. Oh no. The Koala Box comes in the following sizes:

  • Small
  • Extra Small
  • Extra, Extra Small

So proof, if you ever needed it, that our Antipodean cousins have got smaller genitals than us. And that’s why we’re going to win the Ashes. Because we have bigger balls.

That will be all.

Headline picture courtesy of Windell H. Oskay, www.evilmadscientist.com

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