EXCLUSIVE: Agnew and Boycott – The Lunch That Took Twitter Down

Earlier on today Jonathan Agnew posted the following message on Twitter:

Jonathan Agnew Tweet: Now to lunch with Geoffrey Boycott. What have I done to deserve this?

This single tweet caused so much activity that it forced the popular social networking site to go offline for most of Thursday afternoon. Twitter claimed the outage was due to a denial of service attack but we’ve been told by unnamed sources within Twitter thatĀ  it was actually the overwhelming number of people sending Aggers sympathetic messages that caused the Twitter servers to collapse under the sheer volume of tweets.

Clearly the Agnew/Boycott lunch was something that people wanted to discuss so we sent our undercover agent to the unnamed restaurant (for legal reasons) and he managed to plant a microphone under the table just seconds before the duo arrived.

Here is the exclusive transcript from their lunch date*


(shuffling of chairs)

WAITER: Good afternoon, gentlemen. Can I get you a drink?

AGNEW: Hello XXXXXX (removed for legal reasons). I’ll have a sparkling water

BOYCOTT: Water? What’s wrong with you, man? Water is for washing. I’ll have pint of Tetley’s. Proper Yorkshire beer, is that. None of your Southern fizzy lager nonsense

AGNEW: Well actually, Geoffrey, I’m from Macclesfield

BOYCOTT: See? I told you. Soft Southern fairy

WAITER: So a bottle of spring water…

BOYCOTT: Poof

WAITER: …and a glass of Tetley’s for sir

BOYCOTT: And it had better come in a jug. With handles. Proper pint pot.

WAITER: I’ll see what I can do, sir. And what would you like for your meal?

AGNEW: What would you recommend, XXXXX?

WAITER: Well, sir, the foie gras is a popular choice with our customers and the gulls’ eggs with celery salt is simply divine

(sound of chair legs scraping on floor followed by unknown object crashing onto floor)

BOYCOTT: Phwoar what? We’ll have two steaks. Proper mans food. We’ll have meat and none of this phwoar grass business

WAITER: But fois gras is liver of goose…

BOYCOTT: Two steaks! Have you got that?

WAITER: Two steaks and how would you…

BOYCOTT: Well done. Now get our drinks. And make sure it’s a proper pint pot

AGNEW: That was a bit embarrassing, Geoffrey

BOYCOTT: Rubbish! You wouldn’t know embarrassing if it hit you on the head with a wet kipper. I’ll tell you what embarrassing is. I remember playing a game for Yorkshire against Middlesex in 1962 when Vic Wilson, who were captain at the time, forgot to pack his box and had to go out to bat with an egg carton stuffed down his Y-fronts. He took a quick single off the bowling of Fred Titmus. Now he was a proper spin bowler. Not like that Harpyjama Singh fella. Like I told that Aussie fella the other day, it were proper spinners back in my day…

WAITER: Your drinks, gentlemen

AGNEW: Thank you, XXXXX

BOYCOTT: What do you call that?

WAITER: Ermm..it’s a pint of Tetley’s, sir, as you ord…

BOYCOTT: Where’s the bloomin’ head on it?

AGNEW: Geoffrey, don’t make a scene

BOYCOTT: But there’s no bloody froth! I want froth on my beer! Take it back, son, and bring me a proper beer with a proper head!

(there is a pause in conversation for several minutes)

WAITER: Your beer, sir

BOYCOTT: That’s more like it. Proper head on it

AGNEW: Good grief, Geoffrey. Is there any beer actually in there?

BOYCOTT: Proper froth. Proper Yorkshire froth. Not like today’s chemical froth. This is froth from good, honest, hard working Yorkshiremen

(a further pause in conversation punctuated by occasional slurping sounds)

AGNEW: I say, Geoffrey. Have you seen those two ladies over there?

BOYCOTT: Where?

AGNEW: To your left

BOYCOTT: They’re alright, I suppose

AGNEW: Alright? If I were a single man…

BOYCOTT: And a good few years younger

AGNEW: Yes. Thank you, Geoffrey

BOYCOTT: Come on, Jonathan. I can’t see why you’re making so much of a fuss. Look at them. All covered up like that. Back in my day we used to play with uncovered bitches. That were the real mark of a man. You had to get your length spot on and you didn’t have someone on a computer telling you if you had a problem with your length. Not like today. I get hundreds of emails every day promising to help me out with my length. You never had that back in my day. You had a problem with your length and you had to get a grip and sort it out yourself

WAITER: Your steaks, gentlemen

AGNEW: Thank you, XXXXX

(a grunt is heard from an unknown source)

WAITER: Bon appetit

BOYCOTT: Bloody foreigners

(Pause in conversation. Sounds of cutlery on china plates)

AGNEW: Ermm. How’s your steak, Geoffrey?

BOYCOTT: S’alright

AGNEW: Only mine is a bit…ermm…tough

BOYCOTT: Tough? Tough? Call that steak tough? Steaks were much tougher back in my day. That’s not a tough steak, man. Hedley Verity would have made mincemeat out of that steak. My grandma would have eaten that steak without complaining and she had no teeth. Honestly, you youngsters don’t know how easy you’ve got it these days

AGNEW: Geoffrey, all I’m saying is that my steak…

BOYCOTT: Look in Wisden

AGNEW: I’m sorry?

BOYCOTT: That’s OK. Apology accepted but look in Wisden

AGNEW: What’s that got to do with anything?

BOYCOTT: Our listeners, who know about steak, will already know the answer to this. They’re knowledgeable people. They won’t need to look it up but if you don’t believe me, get out your copy of Wisden. The facts speak for themselves

AGNEW: All I’m saying, Geoffrey…

BOYCOTT: Wisden

AGNEW: …is…

BOYCOTT: Wisden

AGNEW: …my steak…

BOYCOTT: Wisden

(A loud sigh is heard from an unknown source followed by ten minutes of silence. Sound of cutlery on plate. Piped music can also be heard)

WAITER: And how was your food, gentlemen?

AGNEW: Well, XXXXX, my steak was…

BOYCOTT: It were alright. For modern food. Not as good as the steak I had on my first tour of South Africa back in 1964. They had uncovered beaches back then. Proper beaches. Not like today

WAITER: Ermm, yes. Would you like coffee?

AGNEW: A cappucino, please, XXXX

WAITER: And for you, sir?

BOYCOTT: None of that foreign muck. I want Tetley tea. Proper tea. From Yorkshire

WAITER: I believe they’re owned by an Indian company now, sir

BOYCOTT: Aye well that’s as maybe but I’m sure they’re still using Yorkshire tea leaves

WAITER: Very well, sir

(A further pause in conversation. There is a change to the piped music in the background)

AGNEW: Oh, this is one of my favourites

BOYCOTT: What is it? I can’t tell with all this modern music. All sounds the same to me

AGNEW: Oh come on. This is an old classic, Geoffrey. A traditional folk song. You must have heard this before

BOYCOTT: Sounds familiar but I can’t place it

WAITER: Your tea, sir

BOYCOTT: What’s this rubbish you’re playing on the gramophone?

WAITER: The song is called “Michael Row The Boat Ashore”, sir

BOYCOTT: And who’s it by?

WAITER: I believe this particular recording is by The Spinners

(there is a sound of crashing cutlery and china)

BOYCOTT: Spinners? They’re not bloody spinners! I’ll tell thee who were proper spinners. Bill O’Reilly. Clarrie Grimmett. Wilfred Rhodes. Johnny Wardle. I’ve done my homework. I know. This lot? They’re not bloomin’ spinners. My mum could play them with a stick of rhubarb

AGNEW: I think it’s time to go, Geoffrey. I’m sorry, XXXXX. Put this one on my account and I’ll settle up tomorrow

(sound of chairs scraping)

WAITER: Any chance of a tip?

BOYCOTT: Yes. Get in line and use soft hands. See thee later


Just in case you missed it, you can hear the Geoffrey Boycott v Matthew Hayden argument on TMS by clicking this link. Fast forward to about an hour in to get the full build up and then listen in to around 1’17″ to hear Our Geoffrey unplug his microphone in disgust.

* May contain traces of lie

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Even Babies Hate The Aussies

Babies everywhere are laughing at Australia as they get battered by India in the 2nd Test. It’s true. I’ve seen it with my own eyes.

Just this very morning, as I was walking up my local high street, I passed a TV shop which was showing the cricket. India were giving Australia a fearful hammering and – I swear this is true – a young mum walked past with her baby in a push chair. The baby, seeing Ponting getting bowled by Ishant Sharma, started laughing hysterically and pointing it’s chubby little pink digits at the TV screen.

I’m sure I heard it gurgle “that’ll teach the arrogant bastards..hehehe” although I might have been mistaken.

Aussie cricket blogger Miss Field earlier gave England fans permission to laugh at her team. It seems that even small children are taking her up on the kind offer.

The ex-convicts need to bat out the entire day tomorrow to avoid a heavy defeat. I can’t see them doing that and, it would appear, nor can the toddlers of Great Britain. Huzzah!

Photo credit: Greyman

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Is Kevin Pietersen God?

Well he’d certainly like us to believe he is and, if you were to go along with some of the stuff that’s been written recently, it’s a view shared by journalists and pundits alike but just how good is he?

Now don’t get me wrong, our performances since he took over the reigns from Vaughany have been pretty impressive. We won the final Test match of the series and are 4-0 up in the ODI series with just the final match to be played tomorrow. Freddie Flintoff is back amongst the runs and Steve Harmison is back amongst the wickets. On the face of it he’s performed miracles since taking over. A win tomorrow lifts England up to second in the ODI world rankings but let’s just put things into perspective for a minute, shall we?

The win in the final Test was against a South African team who had already done what they set out to achieve which was secure a first Test series victory on English soil for over 40 years. Sure there’s the professional pride thing but I’m sure that as far as the Saffers were concerned they’d already done the job. To a certain extent that attitude has spilt over into the one day team. They weren’t helped by the injuries to key players but I can’t help feeling that their heart wasn’t in it. I’m not saying they’ve rolled over and kicked their legs in the air but I feel that if the Test series had gone the other way that we’d be seeing a different South Africa team.

Ian Bell gives us an interesting insight into Team KP in this quote from the BBC website:

Kev (Pietersen) sat down with us before the series started and gave us an honest chat about where he thought we were as a team…It’s pretty obvious to see that at times we can play outstandingly well and at times we can be pretty poor…The one thing he has tried to mark on everyone is that we have to have consistency and everyone has bought into that…

So the key ingredient to Pietersens success is by getting highly paid professional sportsman to stop being shit, then. Getting the players to agree that they need to perform consistently doesn’t strike me as being revolutionary and, if anything, says more about them than it does about him.

Maybe it’s just the curmudgeon in me. Possibly it’s because I wanted Fatboy Fat to take over but for whatever reason I’m still not totally sold on Pietersen as skipper.

Bring home the Ashes next summer and then I might reconsider.

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ICC Champions Trophy – Epic Fail

ICC Champions Trophy - Epic Fail

The International Cricket Council has confirmed that next month’s Champions Trophy has been postponed until October 2009. With South Africa pulling out and pretty much every other team set to follow suit, it’s no surprise that the competition has been cancelled but the question that now remains is whether the competition has a place in the international cricket calendar.

I’ve yet to understand the need for another 50 over ODI trophy. We have the World Cup every four years. Isn’t that enough? What is the ICC Champions Trophy if not a watered down version of the World Cup? What is the difference apart from fewer teams are invited to take part?

Alec Stewart suggested on TMS the other day that the Champions Trophy should be held every four years rather than its current bi-annual status. He cited the football European Championship as being a competition that fills the four year void between World Cups but the key difference here is the teams taking part. The major teams taking part in the football World Cup and European Championships are different. This is not the case with the cricket World Cup and the ICC Champions Trophy.

As far as I can see, the ICC Champions Trophy is nothing other than another opportunity for the bigwigs in Dubai to milk yet more money out of cricket fans, TV companies and corporate sponsors.

Patrick Kidd over at Line and Length posted the other week about this ridiculous new Champions League Twenty20 that is being shoehorned into the 8 day gap between the ODI’s and Test series between England and India. As I said in the comments, how long will it be before the idiots at the ICC kill the goose that lay the golden egg?

I’m a bit of a traditionalist and prefer Test match cricket but, whether I like it or not, Twenty20 cricket has introduced a whole new audience to the game which can only be good for the long term. However, in typical fashion, the ICC have decided to try to fit in as many Twenty20 games into the calendar to secure more lucrative sponsorship deals.

According to the ICC Mission Statement, one of their key roles is to optimise ‘its commercial rights and properties for the benefit of its Members’. Gotcha. So these tournaments are not for the benefit of the fans of the game, then.

If the ICC had a genuine interest in the game, the players and the fans they would scrap the Champions Trophy, scrap the current bi-annual World Twenty20 tournament and run a Twenty20 World Cup every four years. I’d rather see a tournament that actually meant something to the players than watch the ICC Cash Cow Cup.

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New Event For London 2012 Olympic Games

The Beijing Olympic Games has pretty much passed me by. It wasn’t until Saturday that I actually watched any of the action. It seems I picked a pretty good day because I saw Usain Bolt absolutely blitz the opposition in the 100 metres on his way to a new world record. Even for someone who has little or no interest in athletics, it was pretty impressive.

However my Olympic viewing experience took a turn for the worse when I then spent 10 minutes watching the dressage event. How anyone can call that an Olympic sport is beyond me. I’ve not seen so much mincing since I last took a stroll down Old Compton Street.

Anyway it seems that Great Britain has been doing rather well in this Olympic Games. We’ve managed to win 27 medals including 12 golds. By all accounts that’s the best Team GB have done for some time. What’s interesting for me, though, is the events that we’ve excelled at and, as a result, it’s prompted me to write to Seb Coe to suggest a new event for the London 2012 Games.

Olympic Sitting Down.

Have a look at the medals we’ve won so far:

Canoe/Kayak Slalom – 1 silver
Cycling – 6 gold, 3 silver, 2 bronze
Equestrian – 2 bronze
Rowing – 2 gold, 2 silver, 2 bronze
Sailing – 2 gold, 1 silver

All of these events involve sitting down. We’ve also won 2 golds and a bronze in swimming which is the extreme version of sitting down – lying down. In fact if it weren’t for a pesky bronze medal Team GB accidentally won in the gymnastics, every single medal we’ve won at this years Olympics would involve sitting down.

Forget all those events that involve running or jumping or throwing things a really long way. You know, the sports that all the other countries try to win. We should be spending the next 4 years coming up with Olympic events that involve sitting down if we want to be a dominant force in our own Games.

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