England
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Do you have difficulty sleeping?
Do you often lay in bed tossing and turning?
Have you tried all of the insomnia cures out there?
If the answer to any of these is yes then Flintoffs Ashes has the perfect answer for you!
Tune in to Sky TV and watch the current Test match between New Zealand and England. After watching 10 minutes of this turgid Test you’ll be sleeping like a baby!*
New Zealand versus England. It’s better than Mogadon!
* - We don’t mean that you’ll be shitting in your pants and waking up every two hours wanting to suckle on your mums tits.
Written by Mike on March 8th, 2008 with no comments.
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Well England have been pretty woeful in the One Day series against New Zealand, haven’t they? Battered into submission by a fat bloke and a guy that reminds me of Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan. Dunno why. He just does.
So much for a team that former Black Cap Ian Smith described as being the best England one-day team he has seen in years. I’m just wondering just how much cricket Smith has been able to watch in between rifling the pie shops of Wellington.
I really can’t see how England can fight their way back into the series. From what I’ve seen we look like a team all out of sorts and lacking leadership. I’ve got nothing against Paul Collingwood - some of my best friends are gingers - but I don’t see him as an inspirational leader. Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t think I’ll be taking up Totesports generous 9/2 on England to win the series.
Still, at least Lord Fred is on his way back. Peter Moores seems to think that Flintoff will be back to something close to his best after his fourth ankle operation. Let’s hope so, eh? Putting his cricket performance to one side for a second, this England team is woefully short of anyone you’d put your money on to beat Jesse Ryder in a yard of ale contest.
Anyway, I’m going to be moving Flintoffs Ashes to a new server over the next couple of days so if you happen to pop by and find everything has gone Pete Tong, you’ll know the reason why.
Written by Mike on February 14th, 2008 with 6 comments.
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In a world exclusive Flintoff’s Ashes can bring you the full apology issued by England ODI captain, Paul Collingwood, following his recently well publicised trip to a strip club in Cape Town.
“It was a mistake on my part, nothing else. I didn’t realise what kind of club ‘Tits A Go Go’ was for the first four hours. Obviously as soon as I’d realised my mistake and settled my bill for eighteen beers, five private dances and some red hot lesbo action, I made my excuses and left. It’s unfortunate that this incident took place and I apologise to everyone concerned. Especially the guy I bumped into with my lazy lob. I’m England captain and have certain responsibilities not only as captain but also as the token ginger in the team.
With great power comes great responsibility. I heard that in a film once. It was about a man who was bitten by a spider who got lots of special powers. He could climb walls like a spider, spin webs like a spider and he was basically a man who was a spider. I think it were the X-Men. Anyways, I feel I’ve abused my power with this incident and I certainly abused myself that evening.
I accept the fine of £1,000 handed to me by the ECB. I just hope they don’t notice the receipt from ‘Tits A Go Go’ when I hand in me expenses sheet at the end of the tour.
After talking to my family, friends and the England management team, I feel the only appropriate course of action is for me to perform my famous Trunky the Elephant Boy impression in public.”
Tags: Cricket, England, Paul Collingwood, Strip Club, 20-20 World Cup
Written by Mike on September 19th, 2007 with 4 comments.
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Curse that man with the fattest arse in cricket. His wobbly buttocked big hitting does for us again! That and his jug eared companion. Oh and the hairy bloke. And the bowler who looks like a lion. And Forrest Gump.
Damned pesky convicts. I hope they feel suitably humiliated.
Anyway, we managed to sneak past the mighty Zimbabwe to get into the Super Eights which will be contested by the seven best 20-20 cricket teams in the World. And England.
Oh and I agree with Jonathan over at The Corridor. Why can’t we just have a straight knock out competition at this stage rather than more group games?
And whilst I’m about it, who designed Australia’s 20-20 kit? I’m not going to go all Jim Davidson here but I wouldn’t want to be wearing a replica shirt down Old Compton Street on a Saturday night.
Tags: Cricket, England, Australia, 20-20 World Cup
Written by Mike on September 14th, 2007 with 4 comments.
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The Atheist over at Are you a left-arm Chinaman has asked for readers to contribute some good cricket chants. Interestingly enough, an old post of mine regarding cricket chants has received some attention from an ex-convict Australian visitor so it looks like folks are looking for something new to sing at the grounds so let me present to you a Flintoff’s Ashes exclusive. I expect the Barmy Army to be singing it at Bristol on Friday 
To be sung to the tune of Macarena
There’s a Russian dude from Hampshire who is playing English cricket
He’s got a slower ball and it’s really hard to pick it
If you get it wrong, you’ll miss the ball and hit your wicket
Hey! Mascherenhas!
Tags : Cricket, England, Barmy Army
Written by Mike on August 22nd, 2007 with 1 comment.
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