Earlier on today Jonathan Agnew posted the following message on Twitter:
This single tweet caused so much activity that it forced the popular social networking site to go offline for most of Thursday afternoon. Twitter claimed the outage was due to a denial of service attack but we’ve been told by unnamed sources within Twitter thatĀ it was actually the overwhelming number of people sending Aggers sympathetic messages that caused the Twitter servers to collapse under the sheer volume of tweets.
Clearly the Agnew/Boycott lunch was something that people wanted to discuss so we sent our undercover agent to the unnamed restaurant (for legal reasons) and he managed to plant a microphone under the table just seconds before the duo arrived.
Here is the exclusive transcript from their lunch date*
(shuffling of chairs)
WAITER: Good afternoon, gentlemen. Can I get you a drink?
AGNEW: Hello XXXXXX (removed for legal reasons). I’ll have a sparkling water
BOYCOTT: Water? What’s wrong with you, man? Water is for washing. I’ll have pint of Tetley’s. Proper Yorkshire beer, is that. None of your Southern fizzy lager nonsense
AGNEW: Well actually, Geoffrey, I’m from Macclesfield
BOYCOTT: See? I told you. Soft Southern fairy
WAITER: So a bottle of spring water…
WAITER: …and a glass of Tetley’s for sir
BOYCOTT: And it had better come in a jug. With handles. Proper pint pot.
WAITER: I’ll see what I can do, sir. And what would you like for your meal?
AGNEW: What would you recommend, XXXXX?
WAITER: Well, sir, the foie gras is a popular choice with our customers and the gulls’ eggs with celery salt is simply divine
(sound of chair legs scraping on floor followed by unknown object crashing onto floor)
BOYCOTT: Phwoar what? We’ll have two steaks. Proper mans food. We’ll have meat and none of this phwoar grass business
WAITER: But fois gras is liver of goose…
BOYCOTT: Two steaks! Have you got that?
WAITER: Two steaks and how would you…
BOYCOTT: Well done. Now get our drinks. And make sure it’s a proper pint pot
AGNEW: That was a bit embarrassing, Geoffrey
BOYCOTT: Rubbish! You wouldn’t know embarrassing if it hit you on the head with a wet kipper. I’ll tell you what embarrassing is. I remember playing a game for Yorkshire against Middlesex in 1962 when Vic Wilson, who were captain at the time, forgot to pack his box and had to go out to bat with an egg carton stuffed down his Y-fronts. He took a quick single off the bowling of Fred Titmus. Now he was a proper spin bowler. Not like that Harpyjama Singh fella. Like I told that Aussie fella the other day, it were proper spinners back in my day…
WAITER: Your drinks, gentlemen
AGNEW: Thank you, XXXXX
BOYCOTT: What do you call that?
WAITER: Ermm..it’s a pint of Tetley’s, sir, as you ord…
BOYCOTT: Where’s the bloomin’ head on it?
AGNEW: Geoffrey, don’t make a scene
BOYCOTT: But there’s no bloody froth! I want froth on my beer! Take it back, son, and bring me a proper beer with a proper head!
(there is a pause in conversation for several minutes)
WAITER: Your beer, sir
BOYCOTT: That’s more like it. Proper head on it
AGNEW: Good grief, Geoffrey. Is there any beer actually in there?
BOYCOTT: Proper froth. Proper Yorkshire froth. Not like today’s chemical froth. This is froth from good, honest, hard working Yorkshiremen
(a further pause in conversation punctuated by occasional slurping sounds)
AGNEW: I say, Geoffrey. Have you seen those two ladies over there?
AGNEW: To your left
BOYCOTT: They’re alright, I suppose
AGNEW: Alright? If I were a single man…
BOYCOTT: And a good few years younger
AGNEW: Yes. Thank you, Geoffrey
BOYCOTT: Come on, Jonathan. I can’t see why you’re making so much of a fuss. Look at them. All covered up like that. Back in my day we used to play with uncovered bitches. That were the real mark of a man. You had to get your length spot on and you didn’t have someone on a computer telling you if you had a problem with your length. Not like today. I get hundreds of emails every day promising to help me out with my length. You never had that back in my day. You had a problem with your length and you had to get a grip and sort it out yourself
WAITER: Your steaks, gentlemen
AGNEW: Thank you, XXXXX
(a grunt is heard from an unknown source)
WAITER: Bon appetit
BOYCOTT: Bloody foreigners
(Pause in conversation. Sounds of cutlery on china plates)
AGNEW: Ermm. How’s your steak, Geoffrey?
AGNEW: Only mine is a bit…ermm…tough
BOYCOTT: Tough? Tough? Call that steak tough? Steaks were much tougher back in my day. That’s not a tough steak, man. Hedley Verity would have made mincemeat out of that steak. My grandma would have eaten that steak without complaining and she had no teeth. Honestly, you youngsters don’t know how easy you’ve got it these days
AGNEW: Geoffrey, all I’m saying is that my steak…
BOYCOTT: Look in Wisden
AGNEW: I’m sorry?
BOYCOTT: That’s OK. Apology accepted but look in Wisden
AGNEW: What’s that got to do with anything?
BOYCOTT: Our listeners, who know about steak, will already know the answer to this. They’re knowledgeable people. They won’t need to look it up but if you don’t believe me, get out your copy of Wisden. The facts speak for themselves
AGNEW: All I’m saying, Geoffrey…
AGNEW: …my steak…
(A loud sigh is heard from an unknown source followed by ten minutes of silence. Sound of cutlery on plate. Piped music can also be heard)
WAITER: And how was your food, gentlemen?
AGNEW: Well, XXXXX, my steak was…
BOYCOTT: It were alright. For modern food. Not as good as the steak I had on my first tour of South Africa back in 1964. They had uncovered beaches back then. Proper beaches. Not like today
WAITER: Ermm, yes. Would you like coffee?
AGNEW: A cappucino, please, XXXX
WAITER: And for you, sir?
BOYCOTT: None of that foreign muck. I want Tetley tea. Proper tea. From Yorkshire
WAITER: I believe they’re owned by an Indian company now, sir
BOYCOTT: Aye well that’s as maybe but I’m sure they’re still using Yorkshire tea leaves
WAITER: Very well, sir
(A further pause in conversation. There is a change to the piped music in the background)
AGNEW: Oh, this is one of my favourites
BOYCOTT: What is it? I can’t tell with all this modern music. All sounds the same to me
AGNEW: Oh come on. This is an old classic, Geoffrey. A traditional folk song. You must have heard this before
BOYCOTT: Sounds familiar but I can’t place it
WAITER: Your tea, sir
BOYCOTT: What’s this rubbish you’re playing on the gramophone?
WAITER: The song is called “Michael Row The Boat Ashore”, sir
BOYCOTT: And who’s it by?
WAITER: I believe this particular recording is by The Spinners
(there is a sound of crashing cutlery and china)
BOYCOTT: Spinners? They’re not bloody spinners! I’ll tell thee who were proper spinners. Bill O’Reilly. Clarrie Grimmett. Wilfred Rhodes. Johnny Wardle. I’ve done my homework. I know. This lot? They’re not bloomin’ spinners. My mum could play them with a stick of rhubarb
AGNEW: I think it’s time to go, Geoffrey. I’m sorry, XXXXX. Put this one on my account and I’ll settle up tomorrow
(sound of chairs scraping)
WAITER: Any chance of a tip?
BOYCOTT: Yes. Get in line and use soft hands. See thee later
Just in case you missed it, you can hear the Geoffrey Boycott v Matthew Hayden argument on TMS by clicking this link. Fast forward to about an hour in to get the full build up and then listen in to around 1′17″ to hear Our Geoffrey unplug his microphone in disgust.
* May contain traces of lie