Monkey Man Ponting Is A Window Licker

Ricky Ponting is a window licker
Photo courtesy of DailyHaHa

So after three days of play in the Lord’s Test match, England are 521 runs ahead.

Let me just repeat that in case you’re stupid and/or Australian.

After three days of play in the Lord’s Test match, England are 521 runs ahead.

All the talk this morning was whether Strauss should enforce the follow through on and, in my opinion, he got it spot on. It looked more of a batting day than a bowling day and, in the end, that proved to be the case. There was a strong argument for putting the Aussies back in after the Cardiff Test – having dominated that match for so long, how would they react to being humiliated and made to bat again – but I think Strauss made the right decision and the Aussies are now looking down the barrel.

So. The next question. When to declare?

The fact is that England have now got a 521 run lead. Have I mentioned that yet? Anyway…England have got a substantial lead and history suggests that the cheese stealing convicts have no chance of winning this Test match. No team has scored more than 450 runs in the 4th innings to win a Test match. At Lord’s that figure is 344 (West Indies in 1984 if you’re interested and they did it for 1 wicket) so an Aussie victory is unlikely. Bizarrely, the bookies are being tighter than a gnats chuff and the best I could find was 11/1 with both totesport and Sporting Bet. If I were running a book, I’d give you 50/1 at this point but I guess that’s why I’m not a bookmaker…

Anyway, personally I think Ricky Ponting has lost the plot. His burning ambition to make up for the ’05 Ashes defeat has turned him doolally. As Will says over at The Corridor, in the warm up game at Worcester and in the first Test at Cardiff, Ponting has thrown hissy fits that even Naomi Campbell would be ashamed of. In this Test match he has been on the wrong side of a dismissal verdict – right decision but wrong choice of dismissal – and his dropped catch today couldn’t have been easier if he’d pulled his pants down, done a handstand and caught the ball with his chocolate starfish. The man is on the brink. So what to do?

Piss him off even more!

As a Test match opening bat, I would imagine that you like to get yourself mentally geared up for the new ball onslaught. As a number 3 (I still think of Ricky as a number 2 but there you go..) you are also having to mentally prepare yourself that you might be in second ball of the day so what would really grate your gears?

How’s about Strauss saying “We’re going to carry on batting today, Ricky” and send Fred and Disco Stu out to the middle at 11am. As a fielding side you must start wondering how many runs the oppo need before they declare and the top three batters are contemplating at least an hour in the field before they bat. So how would they feel that, if after precisely one ball from Muff Face Siddle, Strauss calls them back in and declares.

Can you imagine how Ponting would react?

Light the blue touch paper and stand well back.

The Aussies often talk about mental disintegration. Well if Andrew Strauss were to do what I’ve just suggested then Ponting will be not only disentragrated to the point of becoming nothing more than floating particles in the air above St Johns Wood but he may well be licking the windows of the tour bus for the remainder of his trip to England.

Any Aussies care to disagree with me? Well, to quote: Where the bloody hell are you?

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