In a world exclusive Flintoff’s Ashes can bring you the full apology issued by England ODI captain, Paul Collingwood, following his recently well publicised trip to a strip club in Cape Town.

“It was a mistake on my part, nothing else. I didn’t realise what kind of club ‘Tits A Go Go’ was for the first four hours. Obviously as soon as I’d realised my mistake and settled my bill for eighteen beers, five private dances and some red hot lesbo action, I made my excuses and left. It’s unfortunate that this incident took place and I apologise to everyone concerned. Especially the guy I bumped into with my lazy lob. I’m England captain and have certain responsibilities not only as captain but also as the token ginger in the team.

With great power comes great responsibility. I heard that in a film once. It was about a man who was bitten by a spider who got lots of special powers. He could climb walls like a spider, spin webs like a spider and he was basically a man who was a spider. I think it were the X-Men. Anyways, I feel I’ve abused my power with this incident and I certainly abused myself that evening.

I accept the fine of �1,000 handed to me by the ECB. I just hope they don’t notice the receipt from ‘Tits A Go Go’ when I hand in me expenses sheet at the end of the tour.

After talking to my family, friends and the England management team, I feel the only appropriate course of action is for me to perform my famous Trunky the Elephant Boy impression in public.”

Tags: Cricket, England, Paul Collingwood, Strip Club, 20-20 World Cup