In a world exclusive Flintoff’s Ashes can bring you the full apology issued by England ODI captain, Paul Collingwood, following his recently well publicised trip to a strip club in Cape Town.

“It was a mistake on my part, nothing else. I didn’t realise what kind of club ‘Tits A Go Go’ was for the first four hours. Obviously as soon as I’d realised my mistake and settled my bill for eighteen beers, five private dances and some red hot lesbo action, I made my excuses and left. It’s unfortunate that this incident took place and I apologise to everyone concerned. Especially the guy I bumped into with my lazy lob. I’m England captain and have certain responsibilities not only as captain but also as the token ginger in the team.

With great power comes great responsibility. I heard that in a film once. It was about a man who was bitten by a spider who got lots of special powers. He could climb walls like a spider, spin webs like a spider and he was basically a man who was a spider. I think it were the X-Men. Anyways, I feel I’ve abused my power with this incident and I certainly abused myself that evening.

I accept the fine of �1,000 handed to me by the ECB. I just hope they don’t notice the receipt from ‘Tits A Go Go’ when I hand in me expenses sheet at the end of the tour.

After talking to my family, friends and the England management team, I feel the only appropriate course of action is for me to perform my famous Trunky the Elephant Boy impression in public.”

Tags: Cricket, England, Paul Collingwood, Strip Club, 20-20 World Cup

Curse that man with the fattest arse in cricket. His wobbly buttocked big hitting does for us again! That and his jug eared companion. Oh and the hairy bloke. And the bowler who looks like a lion. And Forrest Gump.

Damned pesky convicts. I hope they feel suitably humiliated.

Anyway, we managed to sneak past the mighty Zimbabwe to get into the Super Eights which will be contested by the seven best 20-20 cricket teams in the World. And England.

Oh and I agree with Jonathan over at The Corridor. Why can’t we just have a straight knock out competition at this stage rather than more group games?

And whilst I’m about it, who designed Australia’s 20-20 kit? I’m not going to go all Jim Davidson here but I wouldn’t want to be wearing a replica shirt down Old Compton Street on a Saturday night.

Tags: Cricket, England, Australia, 20-20 World Cup