Speechless

Sorry I’ve not posted anything in a while but, to be brutally honest, I really haven’t been inspired to write. The performances of the England cricket team on this tour have been shocking. After each game I’ve struggled to come up with something positive to say but it’s nigh on impossible so rather than fill up posts with expletives, I’ve not said anything which I know isn’t the best approach for someone writing a site about cricket but there you go!

The good news (see? I told you I always try to come up with a positive) is that the tour will be over in two more games and we can put this last three months behind us and move on.

Where to? Well the World Cup, of course.

The fact is that no matter how badly we’ve played in Australia, as England cricket fans we have an inherent belief that we’ll do better next time and will tell all of our non cricketing friends that we have a chance of winning. It only takes a couple of decisions to go our way, one of our bowlers to hit a purple patch or KP to hit a big score and we could make the final and then it’s eleven men against eleven men. It’s anyones game. That’s what we’ll tell them.

Of course we won’t say anything of the sort to any of our cricketing friends. Oh no. That wouldn’t be right. It wouldn’t be..well..cricket.

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Now what?

I’m still in something of a state of shock, to be honest. We actually bloody well won a game of cricket. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to win.

Mind you, we didn’t half make it hard for ourselves, though. It wasn’t the best game of cricket I’ve ever seen but a win is a win. Bit disappointing to see Vaughny get injured but that was always a possibility. He was rushed back into playing and clearly wasn’t fully fit. Oh well. Fred is back at the helm again. Normal service will be resumed on Friday.

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England v New Zealand

Well it’s not going to be an easy game even with New Zealands injury worries (both Oram and Styris are out) but surely this is a chance for England to actually post a victory on this tour.

1) We’re not playing Australia
2) See above

What do you think? A chance to pick up a win?

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Laxative

I’ve just read the email over at Rod Gilmours Nutley to Nagpur website.

As someone who has previously travelled halfway around the world to watch a gutless England performance and also witnessed first hand the post match ‘inquest’, I believe this to be totally true and, as a result, am absolutely livid.

When I went to New Zealand back in ’97, the excuse given to me by a certain Former England Captain (I’ll abbreviate this to FEC – yeah – you know who I mean) was that despite having gone from 2-0 up in the ODI series to drawing 2-2, the guys were partying hard because it was the end of a long series. When I suggested that I’d just spent a large sum of money to travel halfway around the world to watch the matches, FEC shrugged his shoulders and walked off.

I watched the ‘despondent’ England players (their words in the press the next day, not mine) getting right royally pissed with their NZ counterparts including, it has to be said, a certain NZ all rounder (recently retired) who was unfit to play due to an ankle injury but who pogo’d on the dancefloor like I’ve not seen anyone since the Punk era in the late 70′s, and questioned whether I was prepared to spend this kind of money again to follow my team.

The only guy who seemed to be genuinely upset by the defeat was Alec Stewart. He was subdued and was genuinely apologetic to me when I explained that I had just spent several thousands of pounds to come over to New Zealand to watch England capitulate in the way that only they know how. He suggested that lessons had been learned and that future tours would be conducted in a different way.

Fast forward 10 years. England have just lost The Ashes. They’ve not just lost them, they’ve been forced to pull down their trousers, bare their naked arses and be asked by Monkey Man Ponting and the rest of his ex-convict pals “Who’s Your Daddy?”. They’ve been turned over big time and now I read about this whole debacle with the WAGs?

OK. I play village cricket. I’m never likely to understand the pressures of playing Test match cricket in this life or the next (rumour has it I’ll be back as a dung beetle) so I can’t totally get into the heads of international players but when we go on tour there is a simple rule. No WAGs. Why? Not because we want to go off and shag wanton pieces of local strumpet (although there was that one time in Somerset in 1992), it’s because they’re a distraction. We’re on tour to do a job and that’s to win every game of cricket we’re away for. We don’t need our wives or ankle biters around to distract us. How can you bond as a team if your wife is constantly bitching to you because she wants a sea view or her piles are playing up??

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Blogstipation

I’ve thought about writing some stuff on here over the last few days but, to be totally honest, I am suffering from blogstipation. I mean, come on, what more is there to say about the current tour? It’s just lurching from one disaster to the next.

I’m not even going to mention the 20-20 game. What’s the point? 20-20 is not cricket. It’s baseball for window lickers. Forget it. Move along. There’s nothing to see here.

The ODI series started today. England lost. Quel surprise. KP goes home with a fractured ego rib. Series over.

I am really failing to be enthused by anything cricket at the moment. My middle stump is flaccid.

England? Bah. Cricket? Bah. Beer? Bar.

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